please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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