Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
