Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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