why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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