I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
