Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
