I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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