There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
