She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
