the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
