I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
this is an emotional support booty call
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
