it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
