You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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