Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
