my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
