Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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