he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
