Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
