If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
