Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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