I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
