All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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