mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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