worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
