The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You dont lie about slip and slides
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
