Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
