When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
