If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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