Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
