normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize