I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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