In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
