I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
