dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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