remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
