there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
There are leaves in my underwear?
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