Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
well you can't waste a boner
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sext me about skeletons
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
