My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
