just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
