We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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