literally had 100 drinks last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
