When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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