Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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