he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
