Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
