My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
