it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
