I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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