did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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