Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
