That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
