she looked like the before picture.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize