I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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