Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
