my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
