saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
