My hair reeks of homosexuality.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize