Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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