I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
