Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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