My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
