Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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