I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
